By Nikki Kontz, Teen Lifeline Clinical Director
Some of the most difficult questions you can bring yourself to ask your child are also among the most important.
“Have you ever tried drugs or alcohol?”
“Has anyone ever touched you inappropriately?”
“Are you thinking about hurting yourself, or suicide?”
Talking about any of these topics can feel scary, especially with a tween or teen.
The way you ask about these topics is important. It’s tempting to address hard topics in a way that makes you feel better but doesn’t necessarily solicit a truthful answer. For instance, avoid asking this way: “You haven’t been thinking about suicide, have you?” Or: “No one has ever touched you inappropriately, right?”
Instead, ask the question directly and invite a real, truthful response. For example: “I’ve noticed you’ve been having a hard time lately. Are you thinking about hurting yourself?” Or: “I heard some kids were caught with drugs at school. Has anyone ever offered you drugs?”
One of the most frightening parts of asking about any of these topics is the possibility the answer might be, “Yes.” What then?
Thank the child or teen for trusting you enough to share. Then ask about what happened or the feelings they are experiencing, without using judgmental language or acting like they are being dramatic.
Try not to show relief or disapproval at the answers your child gives – as this may make them more likely to tell you what you want to hear instead of the truth about what they are experiencing.
During the conversation, work to keep an even tone of voice and show engaging body language to help your child open up. Once they’ve begun talking, take your child’s or teen’s concerns and difficulties seriously and validate their feelings.
Drugs & Alcohol
If your child talks about trying drugs and alcohol, remind them of the rules you’ve established for your household and discuss what the consequences of breaking those rules will be in the future. Explain the reasons behind your rules and give them a chance to express their feelings and concerns.
Inappropriate Touch
The first step after your child discloses someone has touched them inappropriately is to reestablish safety. Sexual abuse takes away a child’s sense of control over their surroundings. Establish a plan that helps your child or teen feel safe and eliminates unsupervised contact with the person who touched or abused them.
Then, seek help from an outside specialist who can help with the healing process. Recognize that all family members are impacted when a child has been sexually abused, and each one may need specialized help, including you.
Suicide
If a pre-teen or teen confides that they have been having thoughts of self-harm or suicide, seek help immediately. A licensed therapist can work with your child and family to process the feelings they are experiencing.
It’s also important to take safety measures to minimize threats to your child’s safety. Lock up all medications, sharp objects and poisonous chemicals. Secure all firearms, store ammunition separately and change the code on your gun safe – because no matter how careful you think are, your child likely knows the code. You may even consider removing firearms from your home completely.
Finally, if at any time you suspect a child or teen is in immediate danger, call 911 or take them to an emergency room.
If immediate safety is not a concern, you or your child can call Teen Lifeline for help and resources at (602) 248-8336 (TEEN) 24/7 or text Teen Lifeline at the same number between noon and 9 p.m. on weekdays or between 3 p.m. and 9 p.m. on weekends.
Nikki Kontz is the clinical director of Teen Lifeline, a Phoenix-based, nonprofit dedicated to preventing teen suicide in Arizona. Contact her at 602-248-8337.
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